names redacted to protect the fleshy

So, my very good friend, who I happen to have met through work but who I now just adore in life, took vacation all last week and today. She comes back tomorrow; this makes me very happy.

Although she is literally six feet away from me during business hours on any given weekday, our office is comprised of 12 cubes (all occupied) in a giant room, so it’s not like we (she) can talk openly about peeing on our (her) pant legs in the office bathroom (true story). As a result, we routinely use iChat to discuss the ridiculous goings-on in the office, and this is primarily how I have come to know her.

For fun/torture, I decided to record for her the most absurd happenings of the last week. For you, and in honor of the NaBloPoMo that won’t die, I present a couple of snippets from the you-don’t-have-to-know-these-people-for-these-things-to-be-funny category.

Thursday, August 6, 2009. [Colleague L] wears a very unfortunate button-up shirt with cap sleeves that cut off her circulation. At lunch, I notice that a middle button has come undone, so a diamond of flesh six inches in diameter is showing. I’m not sure anyone else notices because the shirt is sort of flesh-colored. I don’t want to embarrass her (or me), so I say nothing. I’m a horrible person.

Friday, August 7, 2009. At the staff meeting, we are introduced to all the new people that have come on board over the summer. Of the five who introduce themselves, four say they are parents of “little hurricanes.” (I vomit a little.) The one who does not use this analogy is, I’m 99% sure, gay and childless. Still, [Colleague M] prods him for something “personal” in front of the group. Everyone smiles; I am very uncomfortable. He makes a joke about having a twin.

Later, at the [other] staff meeting, [Boss D] says that [Boss P] wants us all to start using a “standard” out of office auto-reply. [Boss D] says that this is in response to YOUR current auto-reply, and then she reads it. [Colleague S] laughs, but it is really not that funny. [Boss D] stares at me the whole time. I think she’s giving me the stink-eye because she’s worried I’ll tell you about this. (I just did.)

God bless iChat.