“so, do you have to actually touch the bottom with your penis?”

A couple months ago, I ordered some children’s books about sex. I was hugely pregnant, so I thought it was a natural time to have this discussion with Kieran and Anneke. Well, the conversation never really emerged naturally, but the books somehow made their way to the loft, where all our kids’ books are.

Tonight, at bedtime, Anneke brought me this little gem. There were three problems with this. First, having not had a proper warning, I hadn’t had any time to psych myself up for this. I mean, I fancy myself sort of a progressive, “nothing is wrong with bodies” mom, but really. Sex? Do you know what’s involved there?

Second, since Kieran’s bedtime is later, he had no interest in reading with us (even when I said, like a psychopath, “But we’re gonna be talking about how babies are made! Do you know how babies are made?! It’s some interesting stuff!”). What’s worse than having to have this conversation with your children? Having to have it twice.

And finally, since Griffon’s bedtime is earlier, he’s usually in bed when we read. On this particular night, however, I’d said he could sleep in Anneke’s bed with her (only the second time ever), so he was still awake and wanted to read with us. He *just* turned two, for godssake. (Luckily, he was not *particularly* interested in this book, so he climbed off the couch to go find his daddy and brother after the chicken sex. He didn’t get the shock of the human sex, thank goodness.)

The actual reading of the book was pretty uneventful. Anneke seemed slightly embarrassed, but not too terribly much (score one for the progressive, “nothing is wrong with bodies” mom!). Mainly, she wanted to know if she could pick the sex of her children (she wants to have three girls). (I didn’t really want to get into Shettles, so the answer was no.)

I’d been feeling a little urgency about Kieran’s knowledge of the sex thing, and this only intensified after I read the book with Anneke. I mean, it’s one thing if some gross boys at school misinform him, but it’s quite another if his five-year-old sister does. So, after I put Anneke and Griffon to bed, I made a point to mention to Kieran that we’d talked about penises and vaginas (same sing-songy, psychopathic voice as before). Luckily(ish), this piqued his interest, and he wanted to read the book.

The second reading was pretty uneventful too.

Except for this:

Kieran: “So, do you have to actually *touch* the bottom with your penis?”

Me: “Yeah. You have to put your penis *inside* it” (even though we’ve always made a point to use the clinical words, Kieran and Anneke both inexplicably call vaginas “bottoms,” so this is where I thought this was going).

Kieran: “Ew. (giggle) Well, they better wipe their bottom, or I’m not gonna do that.”

Just a *tiny* misconception (which I corrected, thankyouverymuch).

Brad thinks Kieran might be gay anyway. I wonder if they make children’s books about gay sex. Probably not.